la valise triste
I need this semester to be over. I know New York. I need New York. I know I need unique New York. I cannot wait to be in that snowy megalopolis for Christmas. I began mentally packing while I was at work tonight. I have absolutely no cold weather clothes. I have some clothes that I can wear when the Texas heat dips below 70 degrees, but nothing that will protect me from a northern winter. I went to first thursday last night in hopes of scoring some new threads and maybe some christmas presents, but the shops were so densly crowded that I really didn't get a chance to peruse.
I also want to start a breakfast club. Since I work nights, I'm often powerful hungry when I get off at eight. It would be nice to have a regular group of people to meet up with and have coffee and stuff with at a regular place. I need some regularity. Even the schedule that I've kept all semester hasn't really been regular because of my wack sleep patterns and work habits. I need some stability. More later, once final(project)s are done. *r.s.
Friday, December 5, 2003
Monday, December 1, 2003
tribulation 99
I dreamed about New Orleans again today in my fitful afternoon sleep. I'm haunted by cities. I want to cover myself in the death and decay of that place like a bedsheet. I want to wear the swamp like a pall. I feel like its a place where I can wallow and slough off some dead part of myself. I had another anxiety attack today. Returning the equipment I had for a week to do a film I didn't even finish, I considered my future, my burned bridges and the fear and confusion that sits in my gut like a gallstone and makes me impotent to act. In highschool the strings of incomplete thoughts and unfinished projects were practice, in college the same behavior feels like failure. I hate to dwell on this anxiety, certainly it doesn't help me to do so, but I can't avoid it when its around every blind corner. Although I had hope for this semester, with my short list of goals, none materialized. I'd like to say that school and work got in the way, but in actuality I overwhelmed myself trying to do too many things. When it comes to ideas for projects, my short list is even too long. I couldn't see the end of any one thing and it made me inert. I have hope for the spring. I've vowed to begin paring down my life in preparation for the great egress following graduation. I may get another job to help build a bigger nest egg, but I won't work more than 40 hours total. My hope is to condense my shortlist to one item at a time, to focus and follow each thought from conception to completion. If I can manage this, maybe I'll have renewed hope for my future.
I dreamed about New Orleans again today in my fitful afternoon sleep. I'm haunted by cities. I want to cover myself in the death and decay of that place like a bedsheet. I want to wear the swamp like a pall. I feel like its a place where I can wallow and slough off some dead part of myself. I had another anxiety attack today. Returning the equipment I had for a week to do a film I didn't even finish, I considered my future, my burned bridges and the fear and confusion that sits in my gut like a gallstone and makes me impotent to act. In highschool the strings of incomplete thoughts and unfinished projects were practice, in college the same behavior feels like failure. I hate to dwell on this anxiety, certainly it doesn't help me to do so, but I can't avoid it when its around every blind corner. Although I had hope for this semester, with my short list of goals, none materialized. I'd like to say that school and work got in the way, but in actuality I overwhelmed myself trying to do too many things. When it comes to ideas for projects, my short list is even too long. I couldn't see the end of any one thing and it made me inert. I have hope for the spring. I've vowed to begin paring down my life in preparation for the great egress following graduation. I may get another job to help build a bigger nest egg, but I won't work more than 40 hours total. My hope is to condense my shortlist to one item at a time, to focus and follow each thought from conception to completion. If I can manage this, maybe I'll have renewed hope for my future.
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