lonely and anxious like a solitary hammer

It hit me today with the heavy, meaty, "thwak" of early morning realisation. Today after bombing my 8am french exam, I registered for next semester's classes - my final semester - only to find that i'm 18 hours shy of graduating. Eighteen Hours! Its just a mess. Worst case scenario, I stay in Austin another semester, about half of the summer, not a big deal really. Hell, I could even move all of my stuff back home, its not the end of the world, its just another well-mortered screw-up-brick in the wall i've been steadily constructing in front of myself. Hmmm, thats not really a very good metaphor because the situation seems more entropic than that. I don't even know if its really worth trying to re-evaluate the situation in hopes of altering my trajectory. It seems like I've been riding the edge of this spiral since I started college. I had hoped that graduating would help me on to a new path, but now that seems further away and i'm sad. I'd really like to cry actually. I'm still clinging to the same behavior patterns, the same ideas, the same people that that I had been four years ago, which seems like an eternity ago. Ok so I accept them as who I am. Now what? How do I use my bad judgement and insecurities to my advantage other than by becoming a stand-up comic? -rs

pages like fallen leaves

Ok, I'll admit it, I have a problem. I've had this problem for as long as I can remember and I'll be damned if I can't shake it. I love books. I love the library. The library, however, does not love me. Or rather they do because thanks to my singlehanded efforts, the City of Austin has been able to build several new branch libraries and additional wings to existing branches with the fines I've paid over the last three years in late books. Earlier this week, I received yet another threatening memo from the City, warning me that they're on the verge of litigation for two books I have had, well, a very long time. Why don't I just return the books? Why not just use the money that I'd spend on late fees to buy them from a bookstore? All legitimate questions. The answer came yesterday in the form of another letter from the City in which they finally requested that I become a part of their elite team of book-stealing ninjas. Together, we will sneak into peoples' homes and take their library books. They would pay wallet-gouging fines for books they believe they have lost and the library can finally afford to expand their DVD collection. I love it when a plan comes together. *love, ryan.

this desert of iron and cement is an island

I got my film back from the NY lab today. It was like Christmas - I tore into the AbEx envelope and breathed deeply from the can, undoubtedly killing countless braincells. I was anxious to get editing so I could work on it while at the hotel. After my radio show I hit the lab and started going through the footage. Every single frame was completely out of focus. I'm not incompetent, my vision is just awful. Meh. Over the past two weeks I've neglected so many different things: my plants, my health, my diet, my classes (barely showing up at all). I need to dig in and get my house in order. *love, ryan.